stagger

sometimes the sadness
wraps itself around me
like an old sweatshirt, swimming to my knees.
is it possible to be comfortable
in unhappiness?
the bad jumps at me
like bold black text in a story,
daring me to stare.
three words on a page are minor
to the paragraphs of good.

i will myself to remember
what bad really is,
negotiating with my heart,
telling myself it’s okay.

I’m lost inside and it’s finally starting to show, and I know you know.

Feel.
We’re feeling beings.
It’s what we do.
We feel, we feel, we feel. We try to explain our feelings. Try to express ourselves.
But what, then, when there’s no expression? No explanation? Just the overwhelming emotion.
And you’re drowning in life, because all there is around you is what you feel.
Feel.
Feel.
There’s no escaping the feelings.
No escaping the nature of our human form, we feel. We can hate it as much as we want, deny it until we’re dead, but we feel.
That’s how life is.
And right now, I’m feeling. I’m feeling so hard, and it’s overpowering every other aspect of me. Because I’ve never felt so much, and never felt so enclosed. There’s no outlet for the feeling I can’t describe, no way to put forth the emotions I can’t escape.
So I feel.
And I know you feel too.
Because I can feel you. I can feel this. I can feel the desperation, the duress of a test that we weren’t prepared for. I know. You’re not alone, but you feel it. I’m right here, but I’m nowhere near. Because I can’t be who I want to be, who you need, who I’ve spent so much time trying to become. I can’t even be myself, with all the feelings overpowering my being.
So what is it then? What is this chaos-stricken insanity that we so willingly feed with emotion?
And when will it end?

Chilled to the bone

I haven’t felt the cold in years

But tonight it cuts to my bone

Shivering under the chill of my fears

Frozen in the solitude of alone

Passersby speak words I cannot hear

Golden sunshine eyes concerned

But when this strange old friend is near

My life, this life, stands discerned

Hallow eyes, deep, dim, and bleak

Estranged heart beats beneath

Tis the eve when sinners speak

And empty promises bequeath

Dark, dark night surrounds the light

Captured flame and distinguished tries

And so the Horror aims to spite

The heartless sell their lies

And I, I am cold today

Amongst the turmoil of broken place

My lungs hold no more words to say

My horizon free of sunrise to face.