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Depression
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Close your eyes.

Blue skies are my lullabies.
Rainbows the silver lining in my thunderstorm world.
Lightning-shattered dreaming.
Tell me I’ll wake up.
Tell me it’s not real.
Tell me my fragility is a misconception, a slip of perception, I’ve no imperfection, no flaw.
Lie to me, so simply, do it gracefully, mercy mercy me.
Words reaching out to some understanding, hidden away by the secrecy of a webpage, what do I want to say?
God, I’m human.
The blood running through my veins is contained only by skin, the heart pumping it will stop when it is destined, the thoughts in my mind will come and go until I am no more.
Tell me that’s not scary.
Give me reason to believe that the entirety of existence is beautiful. It is. I know it is.
But convince me. I want to know that I’m living. I want to know that there’s some method to madness, some resolution to the confusion.
I’m not seeking an end, but a solution. I don’t want to quit, but a new beginning. I want to know.
How many people are feeling lonely tonight? How many are contemplating their life? How many are trying to find the will to live? Trying to find someone to help them, some reason to continue…the things you’d think are rare aren’t so rare after all.
How many are suffering? How many crying? How many need someone like me, like you? Such a simple action, just to reach out and say don’t worry. I’m a stranger, but I know what you’re feeling. We’re not all that different, really. All need to feel important, to feel wanted and loved and worthy. We all have our doubts and our fears, we’re all imperfect. We’re going to be okay though, you know? I’ll tell you.
There are better days coming for us. Days that hold sunshine and smiles. Days where we don’t doubt life, or fear death, or wonder how we can hurt so many and be hurt by so many. I know you’re feeling blue, but breathe. I know you’re feeling lost, but believe. Fight yourself, fight your enemies, fight your friends, fight the world, do what you can with what you have. You can live. You can be. You can aspire and seek and dream.
And you can cry. You can hurt. You can feel how you feel, because that’s what’s real. But don’t let that define you. Know who you are and who you want to be. Try to understand why you do what you do and feel how you feel. Try to better yourself. Try to help others. Try to let them see that it’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid. To feel low and wretched and wrong. You’re entitled. I’m entitled. We’re entitled. But don’t forget that you’re better than that. We’re better than our weakness. We’re better than our flaws. We’re better than we are. Keep improving. Let yourself cry, but don’t forget to smile. Lash out, but always apologize. Don’t lose sight of what matters in life. Take a step back. Relax. We’re gonna be okay. I promise you, there’s some good in every bad and some bad in every good. You just have to be able to ignore it during good times, and maximize it in bad. And it’s not easy. It’s a lifelong practice, and you still won’t get it right. But we aren’t supposed to get everything right. We’re human, you and I. We’re supposed to mess up. It’ll suck. It’ll hurt. Yourself and others. But, it’ll pass. It always passes.
So the nightmares are waking me from sleep, and I can’t find a way to convince my eyes to close.
I’m shaking and alone in the darkest way and time, I’m not even sure that I can see my own light.
But, some nights you can’t see the stars, or the moon. They’re there. Always and forever, shining clearly somewhere, for someone else to see.
I’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.
Convince me that the world is going to keep on turning, that the gravity is going to keep my feet on the ground, that the sun will rise and set and remind me that there are things bigger than myself or you or anyone else in play. Call it chance or circumstance, call it God or science or something undecided. There’s no arguing.
We aren’t the only thing going on this planet. There’s more than our existence. There’s more than our lives.
So, we can get downhearted and we can feel what we feel. But we need to remember that there’s more than us. There’s more than me and you. And that’s why we’re going to be okay. Because when push comes to shove, we don’t matter all that much anyway.

Close your eyes.

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” Gerry Spence

This isn’t my usual kind of post, and it’s a little lengthy.. But I figured I’d throw it on here anyway.

After all, you don’t have to read it. (=

I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid to let myself go. To fall into the dreams, the nightmares, the constant flash of time before morning arouses me. I’m so caught up in the wonder of living, I don’t want to miss a thing. There’s good, and there’s bad. There’s happy and sad. But I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to steal away during the passing of time. I know these moments are important. I know every breath has some meaning. I know the heartache, though it hurts, is so full of worth. The smiles, though they fade, are memories made. And I’m dumbfounded by the world around me, I’ve never seen something so capable of beauty. I looked at the sky today, it was bright blue. I don’t know if that’s something you can understand, but it was pretty grand. And I find myself stumbling, jumping and falling. I find myself reaching great heights and low depths. I’m on a roller coaster and it terrifies me, drives me crazy, but this experience is something I cannot forfeit. It’s the disappointment and the hurt and the sadness, the aching heart and the frustration and the torture that gives me the strength to get myself back on track. This stuff isn’t something I ask for, but I won’t give it back. I appreciate the opportunity to see that things can’t always be happy-go-lucky, because it makes the good times great.

I’m looking at my Christmas tree, restless nights behind me, and time passing into evening. The lights are so strong and sure, so comforting and so luminous. They appear so uniformly, but I know that this isn’t true. Even the similarities have some inconsistencies. One is brighter, another shaped ever-so-differently. But they are alive with a certain intensity that cannot be described in mere verbalization. And I know why I’m so mystified as I stare into these holiday lights. This is us. We are lights, shining through this world. I know you know what I mean, because you’ve seen it too. Those people who can smile and make you feel all warm inside, who can offer themselves to others when they too are suffering, who give you a reason to believe in some sense of magic, some connection of emotion, some established understanding of security. Some of us are dim, nearly out as we trudge through the day-to-day of our being. Others still are broken, smashed, misshaped. Some of us shine boldly with extravagant colors, while others merely set forth an average light. We are an array of beauty, hopeful and fulfilling. The world that surrounds provides opportunity to sustain us and engage our light, our being, our humanity. Why we live is uncertain, but we do the best we can. We shine brightly, and fade timidly. We shut down in times of despair and misfortune. And sometimes when one bright light goes out, many others do as well. We are connected in the sense of lights on a wire, we each hold some tie to each other. Maybe it’s my lack of sleep talking, but this is what I’m seeing in the brilliant orbs that dot the tree.

I’ve experienced intense emotions over the course of the last few days. Fear so large I could not swallow, nerves so strong I could not eat. Relief so large I couldn’t contain my smile, love so large my heart was full. I would not trade this. I do not like the circumstance, I do not wish for such consequence, but I do believe things happen for a reason. Had there been another outcome, I could not so surely say that I believe in the beauty of living. I could not wake to face a morning without wondering what justice was being done in this existence. I am not only grateful for the course my life has decided to take because it is good on the very basic level that anyone could clearly see, but also because it does not require me to question my understanding of being. It does not demand that I reevaluate the existence I so fully enjoy. It asks me to be thankful for positivity and relieved that such negativity was diffused. And in some sense, I have come to realize that things do have a way of turning out okay. Questions I dared to peruse were rendered unnecessary, and a burden I too readily accepted upon my shoulders was lifted. This is life in action. This is the beautiful thing that keeps me awake at night like a child waiting to catch a glimpse of Santa. Because I do not want to miss a moment of imperfect bliss. I do not want to sacrifice an opportunity for strife. I want this, in its’ whole. I want life, and I want to live. And I want to shine.

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” Gerry Spence