Letter to another.

The last time I saw you seems so long ago
I see the transformations in the pictures and descriptions
And I’m scared to believe this reality I cannot conceive
My hands shake as I write the words I can’t bear to face
Once upon a time things were good and life seemed right
Yours and mine combined, close and unable to be parted
I remember the lies that broke my heart, shattered what I knew
Worse and worse it got, distance between our lives grew
I hated you. I hated you for starting problems I didn’t understand
And years later I hate you for wrecking the life I loved
Crazy, I used to say, she’s crazy and I hate her
You’re crazy, alright, and I’m so damn sorry
I’m sorry for every time I wished you dead, and I did–I have to admit
I’m sorry for every bad word I said, for the things I heard
I’m sorry for the neglecting reaction to things we didn’t understand
God, I’m sorry, and it’s too late for you to hear me
I’m sorry that in my head you’re already dead
Because the thought of your suffering and condition hurts too much
I’m sorry that your zombie eyes, the description of your hyena laugh sets my hair on end
And I think of it in torment
I’m sorry that I won’t see you because I’m afraid what the experience will do to me for years down the road
I know that I was wrong, that we were wrong all along
I know that words mean nothing and remorse can’t undo what’s done
I don’t know how to handle this
How to keep my distance, or remove the distance
How to look at the pictures
Locked on my phone
And see you
Rather than the illness, the crazy, the impending death
That awaits you

Letter to another.

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