This isn’t my usual kind of post, and it’s a little lengthy.. But I figured I’d throw it on here anyway.
After all, you don’t have to read it. (=
I’m afraid to sleep. I’m afraid to let myself go. To fall into the dreams, the nightmares, the constant flash of time before morning arouses me. I’m so caught up in the wonder of living, I don’t want to miss a thing. There’s good, and there’s bad. There’s happy and sad. But I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to steal away during the passing of time. I know these moments are important. I know every breath has some meaning. I know the heartache, though it hurts, is so full of worth. The smiles, though they fade, are memories made. And I’m dumbfounded by the world around me, I’ve never seen something so capable of beauty. I looked at the sky today, it was bright blue. I don’t know if that’s something you can understand, but it was pretty grand. And I find myself stumbling, jumping and falling. I find myself reaching great heights and low depths. I’m on a roller coaster and it terrifies me, drives me crazy, but this experience is something I cannot forfeit. It’s the disappointment and the hurt and the sadness, the aching heart and the frustration and the torture that gives me the strength to get myself back on track. This stuff isn’t something I ask for, but I won’t give it back. I appreciate the opportunity to see that things can’t always be happy-go-lucky, because it makes the good times great.
I’m looking at my Christmas tree, restless nights behind me, and time passing into evening. The lights are so strong and sure, so comforting and so luminous. They appear so uniformly, but I know that this isn’t true. Even the similarities have some inconsistencies. One is brighter, another shaped ever-so-differently. But they are alive with a certain intensity that cannot be described in mere verbalization. And I know why I’m so mystified as I stare into these holiday lights. This is us. We are lights, shining through this world. I know you know what I mean, because you’ve seen it too. Those people who can smile and make you feel all warm inside, who can offer themselves to others when they too are suffering, who give you a reason to believe in some sense of magic, some connection of emotion, some established understanding of security. Some of us are dim, nearly out as we trudge through the day-to-day of our being. Others still are broken, smashed, misshaped. Some of us shine boldly with extravagant colors, while others merely set forth an average light. We are an array of beauty, hopeful and fulfilling. The world that surrounds provides opportunity to sustain us and engage our light, our being, our humanity. Why we live is uncertain, but we do the best we can. We shine brightly, and fade timidly. We shut down in times of despair and misfortune. And sometimes when one bright light goes out, many others do as well. We are connected in the sense of lights on a wire, we each hold some tie to each other. Maybe it’s my lack of sleep talking, but this is what I’m seeing in the brilliant orbs that dot the tree.
I’ve experienced intense emotions over the course of the last few days. Fear so large I could not swallow, nerves so strong I could not eat. Relief so large I couldn’t contain my smile, love so large my heart was full. I would not trade this. I do not like the circumstance, I do not wish for such consequence, but I do believe things happen for a reason. Had there been another outcome, I could not so surely say that I believe in the beauty of living. I could not wake to face a morning without wondering what justice was being done in this existence. I am not only grateful for the course my life has decided to take because it is good on the very basic level that anyone could clearly see, but also because it does not require me to question my understanding of being. It does not demand that I reevaluate the existence I so fully enjoy. It asks me to be thankful for positivity and relieved that such negativity was diffused. And in some sense, I have come to realize that things do have a way of turning out okay. Questions I dared to peruse were rendered unnecessary, and a burden I too readily accepted upon my shoulders was lifted. This is life in action. This is the beautiful thing that keeps me awake at night like a child waiting to catch a glimpse of Santa. Because I do not want to miss a moment of imperfect bliss. I do not want to sacrifice an opportunity for strife. I want this, in its’ whole. I want life, and I want to live. And I want to shine.